What it's like to be British ...

[dizzojay]

My friend posted this on Facebook a few days ago, and it made me LOL.  I think I've done every single one of these - I must be so painfully British, it's pathetic!

• Worrying you’ve accidentally packed 3 kilos of cocaine and a dead goat as you stroll through “Nothing to declare”

• Being unable to stand and leave without first saying “right”

• Not hearing someone for the third time, so just laughing and hoping for the best

• Saying “anywhere here’s fine” when the taxi’s directly outside your front door

• Being sure to start touching your bag 15 minutes before your station, so the person in the aisle seat is fully prepared for your exit

• Repeatedly pressing the door button on the train before it’s illuminated, to assure your fellow commuters you have the situation in hand

• Having someone sit next to you on the train, meaning you’ll have to eat your crisps at home

• The huge sense of relief after your perfectly valid train ticket is accepted by the inspector

• The horror of someone you only half know saying: “Oh I’m getting that train too”

• “Sorry, is anyone sitting here?” – Translation: Unless this is a person who looks remarkably like a bag, I suggest you move it

• Loudly tapping your fingers at the cashpoint, to assure the queue that you’ve asked for money and the wait is out of your hands

• Looking away so violently as someone nearby enters their PIN that you accidentally dislocate your neck

• Waiting for permission to leave after paying for something with the exact change

• Saying hello to a friend in the supermarket, then creeping around like a burglar to avoid seeing them again

• Watching with quiet sorrow as you receive a different haircut to the one you requested

• Being unable to pay for something with the exact change without saying “I think that’s right”

• Overtaking someone on foot and having to keep up the uncomfortably fast pace until safely over the horizon

• Being unable to turn and walk in the opposite direction without first taking out your phone and frowning at it

• Deeming it necessary to do a little jog over zebra crossings, while throwing in an apologetic mini wave

• Punishing people who don’t say thank you by saying “you’re welcome” as quietly as possible

• The overwhelming sorrow of finding a cup of tea you forgot about

• Turning down a cup of tea for no reason and instantly knowing you’ve made a terrible, terrible mistake

• Suddenly remembering your tea and necking it like a massive, lukewarm shot

• Realising you’ve got about fifty grand’s worth of plastic bags under your kitchen sink

• “You’ll have to excuse the mess” – Translation: I’ve spent seven hours tidying in preparation for your visit

• Indicating that you want the last roast potato by trying to force everyone else to take it

• “I’m off to bed” – Translation: “I’m off to stare at my phone in another part of the house”

• Mishearing somebody’s name on the second time of asking, meaning you must now avoid them forever

• Leaving it too late to correct someone, meaning you must live with your new name forever

• Running out of ways to say thanks when a succession of doors are held for you, having already deployed ‘cheers’, ‘ta’ and ‘nice one’

• Changing from ‘kind regards’ to just ‘regards’, to indicate that you’re rapidly reaching the end of your tether

• Staring at your phone in silent horror until the unknown number stops ringing

• Hearing a recording of your own voice and deciding it’s perhaps best never to speak again

• The relief when someone doesn’t answer their phone within three rings and you can hang up

• Filming an entire fireworks display on your phone, knowing full well you’ll never, ever watch it again

Comments

[metallidean-grl.livejournal.com]

Some of these items are purely British, but there are several listed that I found myself chuckling at because I have done that myself. Very funny, and strangely true,

[dizzojay.livejournal.com]

Isn't it though, I think most of us can relate on one level or another!

[lysanatt.livejournal.com]

All of these.

"• Punishing people who don’t say thank you by saying “you’re welcome” as quietly as possible"

And that one three times yesterday, albeit loud and demonstrative and not at all quietly.

Apparently I'm British.

[dizzojay.livejournal.com]

Oh no, we would only mutter it irritably under our breath. Perish the thought that a British person might actually cause a scene - it's our worse nightmare!

[stir-of-echoes.livejournal.com]

I am so familiar with lots of these :)

[dizzojay.livejournal.com]

I think we can all relate :)

[kinkthatwinked.livejournal.com]

The horror of someone you only half know saying: “Oh I’m getting that train too.” Check.

Watching with quiet sorrow as you receive a different haircut to the one you requested. Check, and also why I don't get haircuts anymore.

The relief when someone doesn’t answer their phone within three rings and you can hang up. Check. LOVE IT when it goes to voicemail!

Staring at your phone in silent horror until the unknown number stops ringing. Check. I let it go to voicemail so I can see who it was without actually talking to them.

Am I part British, or just an antisocial Yank?

[dizzojay.livejournal.com]

I love the thought that you might be part British - we might be kindred spirits!

[chellexxx.livejournal.com]

Oh my god, all of these are so true for me ... most of them on a daily basis!!!!

xxx

[dizzojay.livejournal.com]

Ditto here :)

[theymp.livejournal.com]

I'm sure I've done all of these - the ones related to tea, several times a day!

[dizzojay.livejournal.com]

It's never quite as tragic when it's coffee you've neglected and forgotten about, is it?
:)

[auntmo9.livejournal.com]

Despite being born and raised in the US, based on these, I must be British 😂

[dizzojay.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry! :D

[wings128.livejournal.com]

LOL, the supermarket one - totally me! :D

[dizzojay.livejournal.com]

Me too! I actually hid behind a display of cereal boxes once to avoid someone, because I thought they might ask me to join them for lunch!

[julchen11.livejournal.com]

LOL. There's so much that could be me :-))
I love my Brits! *hearts you*

[dizzojay.livejournal.com]

We're a funny bunch, but we mean well!
You'd make a wonderful Brit :)
xx

[julchen11.livejournal.com]

*jumps with joy* YAY for my Brit Girls!!!

[be-my-precious.livejournal.com]

I'm not British, but laughing so hard when you realize that you do most of those too

[dizzojay.livejournal.com]

Oh, I must be such a sad stereotype! :)

[be-my-precious.livejournal.com]

lol!

[jimbobjoe.livejournal.com]

Wow, you definitely don't have to be British for this one...
Saying hello to a friend in the supermarket, then creeping around like a burglar to avoid seeing them again

I do it all the time!

[dizzojay.livejournal.com]

Like I said to Wings, I actually hid behind a display of cereal boxes to avoid someone once, because I thought they were going to ask me to join them for lunch!!

I think this one's fairly universal :D

[jimbobjoe.livejournal.com]

LOL!

I've done the "shop like you are in an action movie" style several times. I creep around every corner, constantly on alert to run if the friend happens to end up in my aisle, because I still have to finish my damn shopping!

[amberdreams.livejournal.com]

Oh god. Apart from the phone and tea related ones, I do all of these.

[dizzojay.livejournal.com]

I can include the tea related ones ... I'm just too British for my own good!

[loki-dip.livejournal.com]

Love it. :) Though I hate things going to voicemail, I don't like my voice being recorded. (Because I sound sooo.... weird).

[dizzojay.livejournal.com]

It's weird isn't it, I hate hearing my voice played back. I just sound , well, yes - weird!

[loki-dip.livejournal.com]

It's so weird! There's a couple of videos of me at work up online and it is just odd. *shudders* No-one told me I sound so pretentious.

[milly-gal.livejournal.com]

ROTFLMFAO!!! These are all so accurate I may actually cry!

[dizzojay.livejournal.com]

Aren't they though, this is brilliant!

[sasha-dragon.livejournal.com]

I have done so many of these, it's good to know that I'm a true Bit! The one that rings the most true for me was this one...

• Watching with quiet sorrow as you receive a different haircut to the one you requested.

I think my worst blunder was when I asked for a trim, and left the salon looking like a startled coconut.