I'm liking this a lot. Great on voices. You obviously know horses and riding! I'd never heard/seen the word "surcingle" before -- it sounds very medieval or Renaissance. Nice use of language and of eye-dialect for Sam and Dean. I like how Sam complains a lot and then comes to like Hannibal. Poor H! The story is building up well, too. I'm looking forward to reading more!
(I'm a proofreader at my job; I can't help seeing typos and grammatical errors. I apologize! When you mean "its horns are large" the "its" has no apostrophe; "it's" means "it is."
This is a non-standard construction:
Sam smiled weakly; "it must have just, uh, slipped my mind."
Standard English would be to put a period where you have a semi-colon and begin the quotation with a capital letter:
Sam smiled weakly. "It must have just, uh, slipped my mind."
The reader knows who said it when he and his words are in such close proximity.
If you're aware, and have chosen to use the construction, please forgive me. )
no subject
I'm liking this a lot. Great on voices. You obviously know horses and riding! I'd never heard/seen the word "surcingle" before -- it sounds very medieval or Renaissance. Nice use of language and of eye-dialect for Sam and Dean. I like how Sam complains a lot and then comes to like Hannibal. Poor H! The story is building up well, too. I'm looking forward to reading more!
(I'm a proofreader at my job; I can't help seeing typos and grammatical errors. I apologize! When you mean "its horns are large" the "its" has no apostrophe; "it's" means "it is."
This is a non-standard construction:
Sam smiled weakly; "it must have just, uh, slipped my mind."
Standard English would be to put a period where you have a semi-colon and begin the quotation with a capital letter:
Sam smiled weakly. "It must have just, uh, slipped my mind."
The reader knows who said it when he and his words are in such close proximity.
If you're aware, and have chosen to use the construction, please forgive me. )